Published December 21, 2008
This is my first story, It is already finished, but I will just post it one chapter at a time.
Here is the Prologue
Two figures stood side by side on the ruins of a large bloody battlefield. One, a tall handsome man with a clean shaven face and golden blond hair, stood with a regal appearance. He wore what was once polished silver armor, but was now covered with dirt and blood. He had a long sword with twin sapphires in the hilt on his hip. The other man, a little taller than the first with a short, scruffy, brown beard, wore a light coat of chain mail and a raggedy gray cloak. He had a large battle ax in his hands, with intricate carvings of lions reared and ready for battle on the handle, and a bow and quiver across his back. The blade was designed with figures of twin griffins, which not only strengthened the blade but gave it additional weight so that it could be swung with more force. The ax also had a wickedly spiked, iron point on the butt, so it could be jabbed and used as a spear if needed. The shorter man spoke and said, “Jonathan, is there any way I can convince you to stay with me as a military commander? You were the hero of this battle and the entire country is in your debt.”
“No Andrew, I have seen far too much death and suffering in my lifetime. All I want now is to keep my family safe and away from this kind of life. Now that the country is free and under your control I trust that you will lead it well.”
“Well, I will grant you that wish. May you live a long and prosperous life, Jonathan, son of Paul.”
“Thank you, and may the kingdom prosper under your leadership, my king, and God be with you.”
With that the two men departed and went their separate ways through the dead bodies and broken weapons lying on the ground.
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139,389 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well this is a decent sort of place to get things started on a story but unfortunately i have to say this paragraph is a touch too long there especially considering that its meant to be the very start. Its not that the information in their really needs slipping into smaller paragraphs per see but its just that we need to have something a little smaller and easier to read to start things off. Besides that problem though, I think this passage puts things in a great mood there right at the start. It definitely has caught my interest. Let's see where this goes.
Alright there was a distinct sort of fantasy vibe to that one although the names that you used there make it seem like an odd mix of more modern times and this sort of era. I'm not quite sure if that's intentional but it does make for a good humorous side note to proceedings here. Speaking of proceeding this builds on quite nicely from the first bit I think and you end up with a really neat of the general idea on this story here and I think it is indeed interesting enough to make for a wonderful story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I find it strange that only two people would survive a battle, both of whom happen to be higher ups. Either you should mention an army stood behind them or say why there is no army. BTW, I'm not sure "Jonathon" quite cuts it for me.
Oh, yeah, and sorry, but I also agree with Secret Wolf about the names, really destroyed the effect for me. Sorry.
Once again, Good luck, Nice Story, Cant Wait for more!
Vince
This is a good prologue, but a few things just dont seem right, for example: were they the only survivors? and:
that doens't really sound right, because a old, destroyed building is a ruin, not an event, or place were somthing took place. it does sound cool though and maybe you'll find a way of making it work. if they were in an actual ruin, my bad.
Havent read something like that for quite a while, and I loved it. really good discription. I immediatly know its an important person, but maybe should also say what the other soldiers' "appearance" is like: he carries his axe with pride, or he's tired etc.
the part were you described the weapons they wielded got me a little confused though, like:
Maybe you should say something like "He had a long sword seathed in the scabbard on his hip. it was decorated with twin sapphires on the hilt etcetera etcetara"
this could just be me but i got confused and tought you were back to the sword, maybe just ad "the axe's blade" for all the slow people like me
when they start talking everything falls apart to me, they seem to be best friends with no formallity and then the do, or once again its just me, my bet is that you'll explain more in the following chapters.
great story, good luck and cant wait for more!!!
Vince
Hey, you've done well with your prologue. Your writing is very descriptive and visual. I'm wondering about the names of your characters though. You write of a grand battle, with swords and lions, ruins and gray cloaks. You've got great elements to a major and horrific war which puts the reader's imagination directly into this King Arthurian Style Legend, but your characters names are Jonathan and Andrew? This calls to question the real setting. Is this the past, the present, the future? Is it in a galaxy far, far away? Are these Knights, or are they stock brokers forced to take up stashed swords and the like, driven into hiding to protect their very survival?
Just a thought, keep up the good work!
I think this is an interesting and passive beggining. I personally like that, but a little more depth added to this first chapter would not be bad. Keep going.
Yeah I agree with Buscador!, the beginning of any novel is the one of the most important things to look out for because thats the first taste the reader gets of what you are trying to say. No matter how much more detail you put in, we still need something to grab us in. You started with descriptions, a definite mistake. Try to start a novel off (even if its just a prologue) with action. dialogue. something exciting.
then, you're home free because you have the readers attention.
I would suggest making the prologue over again but that's just me.
All in all, Welcome to YWS! feel free to PM me.
Things become clearer in the chapters to come. I will post some more tomorrow
I'm not diggin' this, at the moment--you throw at us two descriptions and two names, but no real introduction to the characters or the setting. We have no idea why the two men are standing on a battlefield, what the battle was over, who won, or who participated. You put more detail into the weapons of the characters than into the characters themselves, in this prologue--unless the weapons are more important than the characters, you might want to rethink that. I think the whole of the prologue should be expanded on, so we are on the same page as the characters--right now, we're just confused.
--D